Trying to Improve

In a majority of my previous blogs, I have always assumed a positive attitude and outlook on my current situation. For me, finding the positive in all circumstances helps me to ‘blind’ myself of what is actually happening in my life. While this may not necessarily be completely healthy or beneficial, I continue to do it, simply because it is the ‘easy’ thing to do.
For example, when I first got locked up, I was in a juvenile detention center. While there, I was confined to a single cell for a majority of the day. The isolation of being confined in a small room, unable to make a noise or communicate with the other residents, while in said room, was harsh on my mental well-being. Since there wasn’t much to do, I had a lot of time to reflect on the things that had happened and the hurt that I instilled upon so many people’s lives.
What I tend to do, is hide the things that I shouldn’t really be hiding. While I understand the pain I have caused in other’s lives, I try to ignore it because when I think about it, I am immediately consumed with regret and a feeling of helplessness. I wish I would have recognized signs of discomfort of others to avoid pain in their lives.
So while I may be ‘happy’ all the time and trying to find things to consume my time with (such as the dog program, working in commissary, or working in the school), I am continuously thinking about the harm and pain I have caused. However, I cannot change the past. Therefore, the only thing that I can do is go forward and be willing to open up to ‘tough’ conversations. I truly can’t grow in life by assuming a ‘comfortable’ position. I need to get out of my comfort zone and have these tough conversations. It will be a long and tough process, but with help, I feel like I will be able to accomplish this vital component to life.

Photo by Papaioannou Kostas on Unsplash