I the Penis hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons.
1. I do physical labor
2. I work at great depths
3. I plunge head first into everything I do
4. I do not get weekends or holidays off
5. I work in a damp environment
6. I do not get paid overtime
7. There is not any ventilation
8. I’m exposed to very high temperatures
9. I’m in danger of getting a contagious disease
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you raised, the administration REJECTS your request for the following reasons.
1. You do not work 8 straight hours
2. You often fall asleep after brief periods of work
3. You do not always follow orders from your management team
4. You refuse to stay in your designated work area
5. You are often found in RESTRICTED areas
6. You fail to take initiative and must be pressured and stimulated in order to start work
7. You leave your work place rather messy after each shift
8. You fail to comply with safety regulations, such as protective clothing
9. You will retire way before 65
10. You are physical unable to work double shifts
11. You have been known to leave your work area before completing your assigned tasks
AND IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH…. YOU HAVE BEEN SEEN ENTERING AND LEAVENING WORK CARRYING SUSPICIOUS LOOKING BAGS!!!