Mercy – Dean Preston

The poem is a plea for help, a plea for mercy… not for my crime but for falling in love with a “volunteer” who also fell for me (at the time).
I hope you enjoy.

first of all, thank you for allowing me to be a part of this show, this community, your community… thank you for allowing me into this shared human experience, you all give me reason to hope…
This piece is inspired by recent events in my life that showed me simple human acts like falling in love with another human being (an amazing human being) and calling her on the phone is, in this place, something I can and should be permanently punished for.

/*mercy*/
{deep breath}
All hope was lost… gone… no more tomorrows nothing left but fresh sorrows
no, that’s not right… not fresh… living is stale nothing fresh about dropping headlong in well..a grave
no handholds nothing to save… me from this undeath this predying
all tunnel no light goodbyes and crying, trying to hold on to old loves and new dreams
but it seems that my life was over before it ever got started,

{deep breath}
you see lessons were learned but far too late for the doing
it doesn’t matter, lives were shattered; fate has its way and destinies cannot really be revised
I am deplorable, wretched, poor, blind, naked, even despised… by my loved ones –jaded—-
who can’t help, but look on me with pity and calling it pride doesn’t help my condition
it’s sh#tty {pregnant pause}
but they visit me… only to talk to a headstone, left a lone soul ignored scored through my breastbone
post mortem peace sign carved in my flesh, y-shaped incision tattooed on my chest… no resting in peace there’s just bones broke into pieces
but now I digress let me get back to my thesis, trains of thought run two ways
but I only bought a one way ticket
I’ve got a habit of losing and no way to kick it, – no gum, no patch, no way
{deep breath}
death opened its maw and swallowed me whole, body and soul
a funeral service and nobody shows… no one in attendance… repentance unfound is my personal hell…
guilt runs rough shod over a path well… blazed.
my eulogy an indictment of a life’s potential squandered, far too long I wandered in a wilderness of my own making
Now there’s no slaking a thirst made worse, fires stoked by regret
and worms of hindsight refusing to let… me rest
I would try to dig myself up but why…
my expulsion is certain, permanently drawn is the curtain, there’s no peeking behind.
I could cry… but what good would it do if I’m no longer human? below the lowest rung… am I allowed to be human?
What’s that? the faintest of whispers calling my name her mercy her love fills me with
shame for being a bitch instead of sucking it up, I’m fucking it up…
but her sweet song continues… heals my soul and..
ok… wait gimme a second, this isn’t working it’s too metaphysic, and I really need you to understand, this is not a poem but a plea for help
You see, I had give up on myself, my life until she came into my world with leg warmers, tattoos and bangs on a slant… and I almost ignored her and the spark, she ignited the dark
she smiled and I was warmed, she laughed and I… was alive
my forfeit life being redeemed,
the reflection of love that illuminates my path shines from her eyes
the heart that she gave me I pledge back to her service… overwhelmed by emotion, I voiced my devotion and… damn it they heard this,
the furies rage
“you are not allowed to love her”, they say. connection forbidden, barely hidden their version of ARBEIT MACHT FREI
so they tear out my heart and leave me to die
unless you speak up, my life is the price… lost twice without mercy, I return to the start… where all hope is lost… will you help me find mercy? What about you my love,my samurai princess… will you? Or will you keep silent? The silence is death ya’ll…
*******
Additional Words From Dean Preston…..

What hurts my heart is not being allowed to see someone I love and cherish for no other reason than that, that I love and cherished them. It has been almost a year since I saw her. Yes, we talk on the phone occasionally and correspond via e-mail but the distance is palpable… she fell in love with me, but only for a time… I, on the other hand, am still irrevocably hers… my pleas for mercy fall on deaf ears. I search in vain for a reprieve, but still I search. I just want to connect with her, with you… but for the life of me I don’t know how. I really am trying to be patient, to trust that I won’t be abandoned… that I might be worthy of love… I apologize if this is too melancholy, but I am at a loss… I could tell you about times in the past when my heart broke, or I can let you see me as my heart is breaking…
somewhere along the line I did something that turned her off, but she won’t tell me what… perhaps it’s a kindness she’s showing me… but I keep hoping that whatever I did first, to make her fall in love with me, is repeatable… I keep hoping that lightning will strike again and that we can find a measure of happiness and romance and laughter… I keep hoping…
how do I hold on? Will I ever be allowed to see her? Touch her, hug her, kiss her? And if that day comes will she want me to?
A year without her, without my friend, my heart, feels a bit like drowning over and over again… will it ever end, or is this what I deserve?
Whatever happens I will do my best to stand, lift my face to the sun and smile, because that’s what we human beings do.

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